transition Archives - Page 6 of 7

Word of the Year

Post author:Gina B
Post published:January 4, 2013
Post category:transition word of the year

Recently I was invited to a “word of the year” party. When I explained to Erik that this means we need to choose a word to focus on for the year, he decided his word is “beef.”

Ok then. So I am excited to go purely for the fact that a) there will be other women there and b) we will be talking about something meaningful. These two things alone will get me almost anywhere. But before I go, I need to decide on my word.

My friend suggested thinking of something I feel like I need in 2013, or a word that maybe God keeps bringing to mind, something that won’t get out of my head. Well, the word most often in my head is “overwhelmed” which is certainly not something I need. Maybe I need the opposite. What is that? Underwhelmed? Just whelmed?

I’m tempted to think that what I need is lots of warm fuzzy words like safe, comfortable. Chocolate. Who doesn’t need chocolate? I feel like what I need is to not look around my house and see a million things to do. I feel like I need to be known, on top of things, competent, in a routine, loved, needed. And also, chocolate.

I’ve tried a lot of words on for size, but like most of my clothes shopping, something’s always just a little off. I blame my hips. Well, for the clothing at least. But for the words, I realized that I go back and forth between wanting some word that will make me not feel messy or undone, and my strategy for that is either to go great guns and “get ‘er done-ish” about life, or, if I feel it’s insurmountable, I retreat to something like “rooted” or “fetal position.” Or chocolate.

But can I be in between? Can I be in the midst of the mess and the undoneness with a whole heart? And what would that look like?

Content. It would look like being content. So that is my word. I want to be able to look fully in the face of my circumstances and say “yes” to what God has for me this year, whether my house be decorated to my satisfaction or no, whether I am known or not, whether I get into my groove or live one disheveled day after another. I want to receive what He gives me each day, each moment, with a contented heart.

Right after this word came to mind, I opened a Dove chocolate wrapper (that could be the framework for a lot of my sentences, “After I ____________, I ate chocolate”) and the message inside said, “Take this moment. Enjoy it.” and I thought, “That sounds a lot like contentedness to me.”
Interestingly, this is not the first time God has spoken to me through a Dove chocolate wrapper. I guess He just plays the odds, “At some point today this girl is going to eat chocolate. That’s when I’ll get her.”

I’m excited to see how God will use this word in my life this year. I hope at some point He chooses to use chocolate again to speak to me. I listen well when He does.

So if you had a word for the year, what would it be?

Libraries as God Intended

Post author:Gina B
Post published:January 2, 2013
Post category:culture transition

It amazes me, shocks me, really, that I have been in Orlando a full month and, until today, had not found the library. I have heard it calling me all this time, “Gina . . . I have books . . . books from your GoodReads list . . . come and play!” But I’ve been busy doing a million other things. Plus I planned for this like some people planned for Y2K by bringing a stack of unread books with me.

So I wasn’t desperate, but I was feeling a little incomplete without a library card, so I loaded the super happy kids in the car (they have books to read too so they really didn’t want to go) and drove to the main branch in downtown Orlando.

As I did, I reflected back on my library experience of the last 13 years. Mostly it was non-existent because eight years of Asia we were in China which had no libraries. In Singapore we were blessed to have a children’s library (yes, they have a whole children’s library chain throughout the country) one block from our house and main library locations all over town. The downside of libraries there was that they are not free. It is also easier to vote in America than it is to obtain a library card in Singapore, although I guess that’s not saying much.

So I’m excited that now I live in a place that has several library locations and is free – the best of both worlds. Better still, we’d heard a rumor that they will not only transfer books from one location to another for you, but they will actually deliver books to your door, and it’s true! Finally – libraries as God intended!

I’m off to order my books.

Feed on Faithfulness

Post author:Gina B
Post published:December 23, 2012
Post category:faith transition

Do not let the current state of our house fool you.

Though people who visit express astonishment at how “settled” everything looks, mine is not a settled heart. Perhaps our zeal to get the house in order quickly is partly a way to occupy our hearts. It distracts them, and makes them think they are settled too.

It’s also evidence that this isn’t our first rodeo. We know we’d rather go great guns at the beginning rather than drag out the process of unpacking and decorating.

Truth be told, my heart feels untethered. Lost. I miss knowing and being known. I remember now Ethan’s “my heart is tired of all the new things.” The new things make my heart feel like it’s climbing a mountain. The last few days I’ve let myself linger in these feelings a little more, shed some tears.

I search the scripture for some balm. What I really want is for something to make it all go away – something to satisfy my need to feel found, rooted, known. Part of me knows I am all these things in God, but feelings don’t so quickly follow reality. I hope He will give me something more.

What I find is not satisfaction but hope. Psalm 37:3 says, “dwell in the land and feed on faithfulness.” I know that for my heart to move toward satisfaction it will take courage, faith, endurance, and lots of time.

In the meanwhile, I feed on His faithfulness to me. I recall the transitions of my life and I have hope. He has proved Himself good to us again and again. He is El Roi, the God Who Sees. Jehovah Jireh, the One Who Provides. Immanuel, God With Us. I will feed on this.

“At an acceptable time, O God . . . answer me in your saving faithfulness.” Psalm 69:13

Looking for friends

Post author:Gina B
Post published:December 19, 2012
Post category:courage transition

Boxes unpacked, check. (if I just don’t open the office door).

Walls painted, mostly check.

Nearest grocery store, Walmart, Target located, check.

Invisible fence installed, check.

Find new friends . . . oy.

Truth be told, I am an introvert. A talkative introvert, which causes no small amount of dissonance for me, but an introvert nonetheless. I am tempted to say, “Hey, I’ve got a couple good friends here in Orlando. I’m calling it good!” But that seems horribly shortsighted and unsociable, so I did what I guess the average American woman does this time of year and I went to a neighborhood cookie exchange.

After a few desperate, somewhat humbling texts to a new neighbor clarifying that I did not, in fact, have to bring actual cookies (I hate sugar cookies. I’m a bar kind of girl), I headed out to the party. It was only a block and a half away, and as I walked, I pondered my emotions. I was dreading small talk and the inevitable shock and awe when I explain my life. I was nervous that I wouldn’t fit in, that people wouldn’t want to talk to me, that I wouldn’t meet anyone I liked. I was excited that I might meet someone who could become a good friend. In short, I felt like a kindergartener on the first day of school (although I imagine the average five year old brings little to the table that evokes shock or awe).

There were probably 50 women at this event! Most of them were older than me. A few homeschool as well. Most seemed to attend this annual party regularly. Almost everyone talked about how much they love living in our neighborhood (certainly a good sign).

I walked away knowing a couple women a little more, bearing invites to a clothing swap and a regular wine and cheese chat with a couple girls down the street, and wielding a large plate of cookies. I can’t say I can check the box on “new friends” (I realize now a part of me was really hoping it would be that easy) but it was a step in the right direction.

Now What?

Post author:Gina B
Post published:December 11, 2012
Post category:transition

My extended family is currently heading north through Florida on their way back to the chilly midwest, and we’re left asking, “Now what?’

Up until now, we’ve been in a process of going somewhere. Our last months in China were preparation for getting everything from that side of the world to this one. This whole fall has been a time of waiting for all of that to get here. We were living in limbo.

But now we’re here. The waiting is done. Now we’re supposed to start doing life like we normally do, except I have no idea how. There’s no rhythm, no routine.

Oh sure, we’re figured out a few things, like the fact that we need to learn how to stock up when we’re “in town” because the nearest store is 15 minutes away. We’ve got running routes determined around the neighborhood which does wonders for getting us going in the morning (and for the dog!). We have food in the refrigerator and laundry running. We’re functioning.

But I look at Megan’s new guitar and think, “She needs guitar lessons. I don’t know where to find a guitar teacher.” Ethan wants to join soccer. Where? And where is the library? Our kids ask me daily, “What are we doing today?” and I don’t how to answer them. Who do they play with and when? And who do I get to play with? I don’t have a “this day we do this” mentality yet (and if you know me, you know that structure is my very good friend).

Yes, it’s all a little overwhelming, but nothing we haven’t done before. It’s just a new wave of transition, a bigger one, that will be a bit harder to ride.

So I take a deep breath and say, “One day at a time. We’re going to figure this out.”

IKEA . . . or . . . Excuse Me, Can I Follow You?

Post author:Gina B
Post published:December 7, 2012
Post category:culture transition

Trust IKEA to be my cultural undoing again. I successfully navigated my way there today to find a few things for our house that I simply cannot find anywhere else, like all the shelf hooks that are missing from our IKEA bookshelf. They must have decided to head back to Sweden instead of migrating here with us.

It wasn’t as unnerving as the other time I’ve been there in the US, possibly because there were more people. There still weren’t enough Asians though. Every time I saw one, I literally felt more at ease. Something about seeing Asian faces made me feel like everything was right with the world. I was tempted even to follow them around the store like a creepy stalker. If I were emotionally less stable right now I probably would have, but thankfully I’m doing ok. I settled for just being happy whenever I saw them.

On the other hand, I was also cheered by the fact that I could read all the signs and that the meatballs are cheaper here.

Adventures in Our Odyssey

Post author:Gina B
Post published:November 30, 2012
Post category:transition

See what I did there? Not just Adventures IN Odyssey, but in OUR Odyssey. That’s clever only to those of you whose young children are entertained by Focus on the Family’s Adventures in Odyssey series, and even then maybe only a small percentage of you. I thought of it though because it was one of the ways we passed the time in our Odyssey during the 4 day journey to our new home.

On paper, driving a total of 29 hours with two mini-vans, seven adults, two children, three dogs and a trailer sounds like a National Lampoon’s vacation. In reality, it wasn’t bad at all.

I’ll confess, learning to navigate the interstate at reduced speeds with a larger, crazy heavy load because of the trailer was a little hairy. I wasn’t even driving, but within 15 minutes I was having thoughts about turning back. I took the wheel halfway across Wisconsin. The last 45 minutes or so through Milwaukee in the dark with heavy traffic managed to squeeze some fairly inhuman squeals from me. I’d rather drive in China any day.

We went to Milwaukee to pick up two of the aforementioned adults and one of the dogs. As we looked ahead to what was a planned two more days of driving, we realized that it seemed a bit infeasible without driving 15 hours the first day and leaving our transmission somewhere in the hills of Tennessee. We decided to stretch it to three which only required finding new hotels to accomodate three dogs. It was an excellent decision.

Ethan was busy making decisions of his own. We’d told them that the whole way could not be spent staring at their 7″ TV screens or iPads, so he developed a schedule which went something like, “First hour, we rest. Then we watch a movie for two hours. Then we read for an hour. Then we listen to Adventures in Odyssey . . . ” We didn’t realize how serious he was until he asked to put in a movie. Erik told him, “We’re going to stop soon buddy,” and Ethan replied, “But we have to stay on schedule!” That wasn’t the only time that happened.

I have to say I’m surprised at how diverse the US geography isn’t, at least the way we took. Illinois and Missouri were incredibly flat and Mississippi had some beautiful rolling hills through the woods, but for the most part if you’d told me I was in Minnesota at any given time, I wouldn’t have doubted you. Our only stop of interest was Graceland, and that was because in our quest to find the cheapest gas around ($3.04!) we happened onto Elvis Presley Blvd and figured why not? So we took a picture from the fence and called it good.

I swear the minute we crossed the state line into Florida the skies cleared, like this state is hogging all the sunshine. We pulled into our house around 6:30 pm last night. Now the real adventure begins!

Almost There

Post author:Gina B
Post published:November 24, 2012
Post category:transition

We’re almost there.

It was more than a year ago that the possibility of Orlando snuck into our lives through a series of phone calls that led us from, “No thank you” to “Wow, I guess we’re really doing this.” That’s a long limbo.

The waiting can be wearying, draining, frustrating, full of “let’s just get to the next step!” It’s hard to stay engaged. It can also be exciting as we ponder the new, the novel, the “what’s ahead.”

Thankfully, these last few months of the waiting between there and here has been spent quite pleasantly. Sort of like having to circle the airport but in the meantime they bump you up to first class. We’ve had the blessing of a slower schedule, a comfortable place, plenty of time with friends and family. It’s been good.

In two days we will begin the three day journey to Orlando. We’ll take my parents and my sister, our two dogs, two mini-vans and a trailer, drive to Milwaukee and pick up my brother and sister-in-law and their dog, and drive to the other end of America. By this time next week, we’ll be Floridians (technically. Can I retain Minnesota status?)

We’re excited. The waiting is almost done. At least once a day one or more of us says, “Can we just go now?” Soon. We’re almost there.

Stirred

Post author:Gina B
Post published:November 4, 2012
Post category:grief transition

Transition is a bit like someone coming into your life with a giant paint stir stick and swirling it around in your heart. It brings to the surface a whole lot of emotions that might normally stay hidden. If you’ve ever stirred a paint can, you know that vigorous stirring can result in overflow.

That’s how we feel these days – like it’s all right at the surface, and it takes little for it to overflow. A few days ago I made a picture montage from China set to a funny song, and I found myself tearing up as I made it. It doesn’t take much. A song. A commercial. Prayer. Hearing someone’s story. Sharing my passions. The mention of the word “China.” I am brought to tears. It reminds me that there is more grieving to be done. I’m not super excited about that, honestly. There’s a point at which you want to not cry and just move on, but the problem with tears is that they aren’t meant to stay inside you. Letting them out always feels better in the end.

But there’s an upside to all this stirring. It’s evidence to me that I’ve made it through with a soft heart. It’s difficult to stir a heart that is hard, that refuses to be touched by pain or sadness. It doesn’t always look hard on the outside – sometimes we coat it with a thick candy shell and pretend all is good. Whatever we do, I’m learning that the best route is to stay open, to be vulnerable, to let the stirring happen because good things come to the surface too. Things like being able to recognize when others are being stirred, and to enter in with them and catch their overflow; being able to give others a more authentic you; being as in touch with joy and laughter as you are with sadness and pain. That’s the fun part – the fact that it opens me to being quicker to laugh as well!

I’m sure it will be awhile before the swirling settles down. In the meantime, I hope to make the most of what it does in my heart. And don’t be surprised if you see me cry. Or laugh! It’s all there, and it’s all good.

Starting From Scratch

Post author:Gina B
Post published:November 4, 2012
Post category:transition

My cupboards are bare. By the end of the week, hopefully, our belongings will arrive on that slow boat from China and be deposited somewhere in our new house, but our pantry will be bare. There will be no milk in the fridge, no cereal in the cabinet, no sugar, flour, soup, bread, spices, oil, or random jar of God knows what that’s been in the back corner for longer than you can remember.

I’m starting from scratch.

While that prospect feels a little daunting, there’s a great freedom to it as well. I went to the people’s co-op the other day and bought seven spices-only ones I know I consistently use (and all in identical containers on top of which I can put cute labels. This delights my structured and creative sides to no end). I can buy as I go. It forces me to consider what I get and why. It simplifies. I like it.

We’ll be starting from scratch in a lot of ways down there, and while it’s not quite as pleasing a thought as a new pantry, it does have its advantages. We’re starting with a clean schedule. We can choose what fills it. We will have to consider what we do and why. It simplifies. I like it.