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Word of the Year Review

Well, it’s been almost a year that I’ve been focusing on this one word, Content. This should be the time when I tell you all how incredibly content I’ve become and then we all rejoice together.

Um, how about instead I just tell you what I’ve learned?

Naturally when you try to do something, you first get to discover how much you are not that something. I began the year by learning to recognize what makes me discontent. Mainly it stems from comparison – comparing my life to someone else’s, to where I thought I’d be or what I thought I’d have at this point, comparing it to some ideal I’ve constructed in my head that may or may not be realistic (95% of the time it is not). In the process, I realized that being discontent gets me nowhere.

I also learned that being content has a lot to do with being clear on what I am called to do, be, and have. God has created me for specific purposes. He has made me who I am, which includes my strengths and weaknesses and gifts and current situation. They are not the same as the next person’s; that would be boring and pointless. When I have clarity on who I am and what He wants for me, I can rest in living within those boundaries.

Being content has a lot to do with remembering that I am a child, with keeping the posture of a child who believes that her Father knows best. It may not always be what I think I want, but I will trust and obey because it is for my good.

I think I have been learning too that contentment is different than resignation. Resignation is giving up, losing hope, killing desire. Contentment keeps desire alive but believes that if it isn’t being satisfied right now, there’s a reason.

So am I content? I would say I am more content, and that I have learned that I have a greater capacity to choose contentment than I realized, especially when I am aware of the state of my heart. I’m thankful for all God put in my life this year to teach me these things.

What about you? Did you see growth in your one word? (this is not a rhetorical question – I really do want to know!)

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Salvation Is Coming

Our family has been reading through the Bible in a year, and we’re nearing the finish line! I can’t say I’ve spent extensive time in the minor prophets, which is where we are now. It’s fairly gloomy. But yesterday I read something that seemed quite timely, from Micah 5:2, 4:

“But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah,
though you are small among the clans of Judah,
out of you will come for me
one who will be ruler over Israel,
whose origins are from of old,
from ancient times.”

He will stand and shepherd his flock
in the strength of the Lord,
in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God.
And they will live securely, for then his greatness
will reach to the ends of the earth.

What amazes me is that this was written more than 400 years before Jesus was born. And it hit me – God’s timing is definitely different than ours. It says in 2 Peter 3:9 that God is not slow in keeping His promises, as some understand slowness. I must understand slowness not like God then because 400 years is not my idea of a quick answer to prayer. Really, it was even longer than that for the Israelites who were waiting for a Savior.

But I believe He came at just the right time. I guess that gives me hope, today, when I think about the things I wait for. I haven’t had to wait anywhere close to a long time for an answer to prayer, relative to the Israelites, but it can be difficult just the same. We pray, we hope, we wait, we are tempted to despair. But God’s timing is good. Keep waiting. Salvation is coming.

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My Favorite Books of 2013

I was going to write a “favorites of 2013” post and include things like a favorite movie, but then I realized I’ve barely seen any movies. I also couldn’t think of other favorite things, except maybe people, but that felt awkward to post publicly. So I just decided to go with what I know best – books. I’m like a kid in a candy shop when it comes to libraries here, if kids in a candy shop could sample all the candy and put back the ones they don’t like, half eaten. I read 42 books in 2013 and gave up on at least 10 of them. The jury’s still out on a few more. But out of those I did read, there were several worth recommending. So here are my favorites:

Favorite fiction:
1. Night Circus, by Erin Morgenstein – I can’t even explain this plot without too much detail or giving things away, but it combined a historical setting with magic and brilliant writing. Amazing.

2. The Light Between Oceans, by M.L. Stedman – a young couple struggling with infertility who run the lighthouse on an island find a baby and face the difficult decision of what to do with her. I wanted for the story to keep going and going.

3. What Alice Forgot, by Liane Moriarty – a woman wakes up from an injury and no only doesn’t know who she is, she can’t understand how she became the woman she apparently was. The evolution of her character is so well written.

4. Still Alice, by Lisa Genova – the struggles of watching someone in the slow decline of alzheimer’s, told from the person who has it. Heartwrenching.

5. The Storyteller, by Jodi Picoult – she’s one of my favorite authors, and I enjoy stories set during WWII, so of course this makes the list. It jumps between present day and a concentration camp. It was hard to read at times and I didn’t agree with the ending, but she’s a stellar writer.

Favorite non-fiction:
1. I Thought it was Just Me (But it Isn’t) by Brene Brown – This is about recognizing shame and building shame resilience, and if there’s anything our world does well right now, it’s shame. I read this in a group with other women and it was incredibly powerful.

2. Age of Opportunity, by Paul David Tripp – we ‘had’ to read this for our school, but I’m so glad it was asked of us. This book about parenting teens gave me hope that we can navigate these years well. In fact, just writing about it makes me want to pull it out again.

3. The Beautiful Cigar Girl: Mary Rogers, Edgar Allan Poe, and the Invention of Murder, by Daniel Stashower – Erik and I read this out loud to each other on the drive to Minnesota. It’s a fascinating look at how one particular murder influenced both media and law enforcement in Victorian New York.

4. Chinese Lessons; Five Classmates the Story of the New China, by John Pomfret – the author was a foreign language student in China in the early 80’s, and he shares five classmates’ histories up until that time and then to the present day. It paints a vivid picture of what China was like then, and the way events have shaped the culture and people.

5. Make the Bread, Buy the Butter: What You Should and Shouldn’t Cook From Scratch, by Jennifer Reese – more than just a cookbook, this was a laugh out loud telling of the author’s experiments with all kinds of food, including trying to raise a variety of animals. After she said their first year of raising chickens resulted in $2.12/PER egg, I took “raise chickens” off my list. While my values run a little different than hers (I will make from scratch only if it’s easy, better for you, and cheaper than buying it), it’s been fun to keep up the making from scratch habits I had to start overseas.

So those are my favorite books from this year. What are yours?

Looks like only the bottom book made the list!

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Transition Pass

So the last couple months have felt like the steep transition learning curve has leveled off. It’s like when you’re mountain climbing (or maybe hill climbing – can’t say I’ve climbed that many mountains. Ok none. I’ve climbed none) and you get to that point where you can see the top. It starts to feel easier.

And then you turn a corner and there’s a sudden incline you didn’t anticipate. In my world, that’s called December.

I realized this morning that it’s been hard to admit this, for several reasons. First of all, it’s just tiring. I don’t like to keep feeling like I don’t have life figured out here. I don’t want to face the fact that I don’t have rhythms, routines, traditions, surrounding this time of year. I have empty spaces with no Christmas decorations because I lived for 13 years in places where they were hard to find. I feel like I should make Christmas desserts and give them to people, but after years of $5 bags of chocolate chips, I’m out of the habit. Are people expecting them? Who do we give Christmas cards to? Do I have to go to ALL these Christmas parties? The questions are endless.

Not only that, I can feel like there’s an expectation that we should be “over it.” People have said frequently, “So you’ve been here over a year now? You must be pretty settled.” Well, no, but now I FEEL like I should be. It’s easy to feel like I just need to get with the program and figure this season out. When I talk with friends who have been through this transition back to the States, they are quick to remind me that it’s not true – this creating a new normal takes time. I know that to be true. It’s just hard to be in the in between.

So I took some time Tuesday morning just to think about where we are and really what is important for us as a family. There are just some things that aren’t going to happen. Those 3 strands of Christmas lights I managed to buy (and then I realized I needed more like 8 to cover the house) will stay by the back door. They’re one of the things that we’ve decided get a “transition pass.” In my climbing analogy, this looks like me choosing not to try to summit that incline for now – I’m just going to circle around a little bit and try to enjoy the view from here.

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Are You Missing Christmas?

Are You Missing Christmas?
Photo by Jamie Davies on Unsplash

 

In Asia, it was hard to get into the Christmas spirit. There was no gently falling snow on the ground. No stores piped in Jingle Bells or Santa’s Coming to Town. A bank near us put out a sad, fake, sparkly tree one year. (They left it up all year, so then it just became a tree).

In later years, we did see more evidence of the holiday – cheap decorations sold in stalls at the market, salespeople wearing Santa hats in stores, Christmas sales. But altogether, it was easy to miss Christmas if you weren’t looking for it.

Here, you’d have to be living under a rock not to know that Christmas is on its way.

Our decoration-loving neighbors had their lawn decked out a month ago. (it honestly did not occur to us that we could decorate our lawn the first year back in the U.S. We’ve never had lawn). We have 6 Christmas parties this week alone. On the TV, in stores, in conversations – you know it’s Christmas. The sheer number of opportunities to celebrate overwhelms me like the toothpaste aisle used to when we’d come back to visit from Asia (seriously, how many kinds do we need?). You could be doing something Christmasy every minute.

But you could still miss Christmas.

Presents, Christmas cards, decorating the house (and apparently the yard), stocking stuffers, parties, and in the midst of it creating meaningful and lasting memories with the kids – all on the agenda. I could busy, distract, snack, and bake my way all the way through this holiday without settling into the reason we celebrate it.

Let’s walk through this season with awe and wonder at the love that was shown to us through God sending Jesus to live among us.

As we wait, let’s linger with Him.

Ponder the hope, peace, joy, and love this season brings.

When we look up at the stars, imagine following one of them with hope overflowing in us.

Breathe peace in the midst of chaos.

May each card and greeting remind us of the joy of all God gives us.

Let’s feel our worth, and our belovedness proven by Christ’s coming.

Let’s not miss Christmas this year. 

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Adoption

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I recently had the joy of seeing a dear old friend  (and by old I mean we’ve known each other a long time. We are not old. There really should be a separate word for this in English) and her family realize their dream of bringing two new daughters home through adoption. They’ve waited so long and their hearts have gone through unspeakable ache to come to this point. It’s awesome to see.

People often talk about adoption in how it reflects God’s adoption of us, but I think this time for me it has become clearer than ever. By that I mean I am more acutely aware of what it means for me, for us, to be adopted into His family.

My friend has written on her blog about the reality for her girls – how as much as they are happy to be adopted, it will take time for them to fully trust this new love, this new family. They have left all they know and come to a strange country and culture. I want to say to them, “You got great parents! You are so loved!” What they may understand at a head level may take time to sink deep into their hearts. I hope it happens quickly.

Aren’t we the same? When we enter a relationship with God, we are brought into a new kingdom, foreign to us. It doesn’t operate the way the world did. We come because we trust, at some level, the kindness of this King. We have no idea how long and how hard He has longed for us, to shower His love on us. Over time, hopefully, we will come to understand the depth of that love and come to define ourselves as His children.

In the meantime, we may have times when we doubt this new love. We may want to look back to things that used to comfort us. We may look at other people, other things, wondering if they will love us more. They won’t. They can’t. I hope that, especially as we look ahead to celebrating the birth of Christ, we can fully trust in this amazing love we have in our Father. He went through everything to get us, and He will not let us go. He longs for us to rest completely in our identity as His beloved children.

We are so very loved.

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Self

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“If thou could’st empty all thyself of self
like to a shell dishabited
then might he find thee on the ocean shelf
and say, ‘This is no dead’
and fill thee with Himself instead.

But thou art all replete with very thou
and hast such shrewd activity
that when He comes, He says, ‘This is
enow unto itself, ’twere better let it be.
It is so small and full, there is no room
for Me.'”

-Sir Thomas Browne

This poem has been on my mind lately, as busyness and a general “I’ve got this” feeling have kept me from spending a lot of time with God. I’m thankful for a week where things have gone well, but I’ve noticed how easy it is in those times to let self fill in the spaces in my heart, rather than to leave that space for Him to speak.

So my prayer is that God would help me to “empty all myself of self” so He can fill me instead.

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A Year of Thanks

This Friday will mark one year of us being in Florida. One year since that caravan of 2 mini-vans, 9 people, three dogs and a trailer made their way cross-country to this far corner of Orlando. It’s been a good year. So good in fact that I thought I would take this opportunity to give thanks for the many blessings we’ve had, so here goes:

my Friday group – ladies, thank you for being one of the first places here where I could be myself and feel truly loved

our kids’ school – honestly, I can’t imagine a better situation

MK2MK – this is the group where Ethan has found those kids who say, “You too? I thought it was just me” and it has breathed life into him

Old friends – some of our favorite people already lived here in Orlando and I don’t know what I would have done without them (Katie and Jenny – I’m looking at you!)

Our neighborhood – who knew we could find a place here that makes us feel like we continually live at a cabin in northern Minnesota?

soccer – Megan’s passion finally realized, and along with it fun new relationships for all of us

family connections – I am still not completely used to the idea that I can simply pick up the phone and call family members without considering the time zone, but when I do remember I love that it’s true. Even better, visits are much easier too!

libraries – seriously, is there anything greater for a book lover than libraries that deliver to your home?

the work we do – it is humbling to be used by God to do what we love in a way that blesses others

sunsets and sunrises – I gotta say I think Orlando has the corner on these. Un. Real.

our continued Asian connections – people we work with who also lived there, friends visiting from across the ocean, our kids taking up Chinese again

the struggles – the times of disappointment, frustration, anxiety, and grief have brought us together as a family and pushed us closer to the One who loves us

God – I always want to be able to say, year after year, “I know Him better now. I am closer to Him. I trust Him more.” This is definitely true for me in 2013.

Yeah, it’s been a good year.

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Dogs, Deer, and What Drives My Heart

Living where we do, we see a lot of deer. I mean a lot. Like to the point where it’s almost blasé to see them. They’re more common than squirrels.

Enter Scout. It’s always been our dream that our dog could run freely in the yard without an unsightly fence to keep her in. We installed an invisible fence and trained her to stay within the boundaries.

The problem is, she’s a smart pup. She knows when she’s not wearing that big ugly collar. Typically she’s still content to stay in the yard, but when she sees deer, all bets are off. She’ll come back later muddy, tired, and happy.

Enter the “deervangelist,” one of our neighbors. He loves the deer seemingly more than anything. One of his three lots is devoted to their comfort and feeding. When we first arrived in the neighborhood, he came over and gave us an earful about how we need to do our part to protect the deer. He even showed us a photo album of them. In some pictures they were eating food out of his mouth. Can I get a collective “ew”?

So my stage is set. Last week, Scout bolted and found her way to the deervangelist’s empty lot where the deer had retreated for safety. Within a few minutes, I got another visit from my neighbor telling me that I need to do a better job of keeping my dog in our yard, as well as another offer to see the pictures. I declined.

The next day, she was off again. This time, while I waited for another visit, it was my neighbor to the north (the one I have only ever heard yelling) who called for me to get my #$%& dog out of his yard. Thankfully she came back on her own.

And that was when my heart sank a little into shame. Why? It took me awhile to understand it myself, but it all goes back to what drives me. If you read my last post about houses, you know that I like success. I like performing well. The dog/deer combination made it challenging for me to do that. In fact, they were (in my mind) making me look like a failure. I had been called out twice in two days as someone incompetent in restraining her pet.

The upside of this is the fact that God helped me see it. Oftentimes we sink into shame and we don’t recognize it or acknowledge it. In my experience, when that happens, it can make me more likely to interpret the rest of my day through the same lens. Instead, I was able to do a little self-talk  about the whole situation that helped me let it go. I’m thankful that I’ve been growing in seeing what drives my heart and how to respond with grace.

A dog and some deer. You never know what God will use.

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