A few weeks ago, I lamented a reality in my life. I would tell you what this reality was, but I honestly don’t remember. All I know is that my husband didn’t respond the way I hoped.
His response was, “Well, at least (this other thing) isn’t happening to you.” (Again, what was the other thing? I don’t know. But it didn’t help me).
And we both laughed.
Because we know by now that, as Brené Brown says, “At least . . . ” is rarely the beginning of an empathetic response. It’s a way to minimize or distract ourselves (or others) from the reality of what we’re facing.
Over the next few days, we both experienced more challenges that led us, either jokingly or absent-mindedly, to respond to one another with, “Well, at least . . .”
Each time, we caught ourselves. We saw how easy it is to evade our own or someone else’s pain by this kind of comparison.
Call it “putting things in perspective” or “choosing not to complain,” but really what we’re doing is dismissing our hearts, refusing to acknowledge reality.
In some ways, it’s a decent strategy. At times, it has protected us from being engulfed by sorrow. But if we know God, then we know there’s an opportunity here.
The opportunity is to invite Him to meet us in what is true. A prayer I learned recently from Ruth Haley Barton’s readings is, “Lord, humble me in the presence of reality.”
In other words, help me sit in this situation. Help me not to excuse or dismiss or pretend that things are better than they are.
Because I believe that You are greater than this. You can redeem. You can heal. This is not beyond you, therefore I can face it.
When we sit with God in our own reality, we increase our capacity to sit with others in theirs.
And when we refrain from our “at least . . .” responses with them, we leave space for them to do this same practice with God for themselves. Otherwise, our actions not only keep us from having to feel their pain, they actually keep them from meeting God in it.
So may we catch ourselves when we are tempted to compare suffering. If our sentences begin with “at least” may we pause.
Instead, let’s meet God in reality.
