What I’m Learning about Loneliness
Confession: in this season of life, loneliness is a frequent companion of mine. If it were up to me, my life would be a constant episode of Friends, Cheers, or Seinfeld, living in the assurance that I belong to a tight-knit group of people whose doors are always open to me, and who are seemingly always available. Perhaps my expectations are a wee high. But we all want to be known, to belong, to be pursued, and to be loved. Loneliness feels like a stamp of disapproval. You somehow missed the invitation to the party. Whenever loneliness entered in my life in the past, I begged God to take it away. This time around, I feel Him asking me to linger in it a little longer, because loneliness teaches me something. This is what I am learning about loneliness: It is not an indictment. I keep silent about being lonely because it feels like a judgment; there must be a reason I'm lonely. Like maybe I'm really unpleasant to be around and no one's telling me (although I'm confident enough to doubt this is the case. I like me. I can't be the only one). In the void, the enemy speaks shame to the lonely, keeping us locked in silence. Sometimes loneliness just is. It's not the result of doing something wrong, or something wrong with you. It's just a plot thread in this chapter of the story. God's writing a good story for each of us. There is a difference between loneliness and being alone. Several weeks ago, my husband went on his first long trip in a while. I was achingly lonely, even though I interacted with plenty of people. Last week, he was gone again for another week, but I felt content to be by myself, breathing in the silence and enjoying more time to think. You can be alone and not lonely. And you can be surrounded by people and feel terribly lonely. It's good to recognize the difference. Lots of people are lonely. Sometimes I wonder how many of us sit in loneliness, wishing someone would reach out. Imagine all of us finding each other if only we stopped being silent about our loneliness. But again, shame wants us to believe we are the only ones. The lonely ones are probably the most unexpected. My guess is most leaders are lonely. Think of our pastors, our bosses, the famous men and women we admire from a distance. You know what that distance does? It isolates. The pressure to fit an image, the way position or status makes it hard to relate to others-they make it a challenge for many to find people who relate to them as peers. They might need companionship the most. Loneliness pulls back the veil. One of the most frightening aspects of loneliness is that it exposes what we hide in our busy activity. It shows how much we hunger for companionship, what we most deeply desire, and how easily our souls settle for lesser things. That is something to…