April 2020 - Gina Brenna Butz

Why We Need Kindness Right Now

Post author:Gina B
Post published:April 16, 2020
Post category:emotions expectations grace peace transition

Sometimes as I think about this strange season we’re in, and how much longer it’s going to be I wonder how we will get through (honestly, it’s good they’re doing this in stages. We need to be eased into the reality of it). What I keep coming back to is this: we need a lot more kindness.

Why We Need Kindness

We need to be kind to ourselves, and we need to be kind to others. In stores, online, in zoom calls and on the streets (from a safe social distance, of course). Our world needs more kindness if we’re going to get through this well.

We need kindness because we’ve never done this before. And when we do something for the first time, we don’t know what we’re doing. Which means we’ll feel lost and uncomfortable and incompetent. And the last thing we need right then is to put unrealistic expectations on ourselves to know what to do and be able to keep going just as we did before. No, we need someone to be kind to us. We need someone to be patient while we learn this new season.

We need kindness because this is scary. And when things are scary we get anxious. That’s normal. Some of us are more anxious than others for a lot of really good reasons-our health is poor, or our parents are old, or we have to work in hospitals. Whatever the reason, whether it makes sense to us or not, it’s understandable. When someone is scared, it doesn’t help to tell them not to be scared. They need empathy. They need someone to listen to their fears and tell them we’re with them.

We need kindness because it’s just too much sometimes. And when it’s too much it’s not because we’re weak or we did it wrong or we stink at this. It’s too much because we weren’t made to live this way. Adrenaline is only supposed to last us so long-just enough to get away from the danger. We can’t get away from this danger. When we hit the wall (and we will) we need to be kind to ourselves about it.

We need kindness because this isn’t normal. But this is the only normal that we’re going to get for a long time, and that’s hard. Learning to live with that is discombobulating, which is a fantastic word but something none of us like to feel. We’re living with little “t” trauma all the time. A lot of us feel disregulated. Kindness helps get us back to a healthy place.

We need kindness because we’re sad. The big, obvious losses we’re incurring are easy to note, but we tend to ignore the little ones. We did a zoom call the other night with old friends from overseas, and while it was a delight, the fact that they are here in my city and I can’t see them grieved me. Those little losses are like pinhole pricks in the bucket of our life; after a while, we’re drained and we don’t know why. Kindness acknowledges the holes and says, “no wonder you’re sad.”

And all of this makes us really tired in a way that surprises us a lot. Why are we so tired? Because of all the things. Because of unexpected homeschooling, and ridiculous amounts of pivoting, coupled with less positive relational connection than even the most introverted among us need. We need to be kind to ourselves when we’re tired. Of course we’re tired.

Kindness for the Journey

So we carry all of that on us, often without realizing it. And that’s a heavy load, especially to carry for a long time. Extending kindness is like someone coming alongside us to acknowledge the impossible weight, lift the pack off, and give us permission to rest. Yes, we need to keep walking, but we need to give ourselves and others the space to sit in that grace from time to time.

Maybe you’re taking this all in stride. Maybe you’ve moved through the grief and confusion and you’re in a place of acceptance. That’s good. But others are still struggling. Or will be struggling (including those of us who are doing well today-it might hit us again tomorrow). We need kindness because even though we’re all in this together, we’re not. Each of us is experiencing it differently, for a million reasons. And when someone else hits the wall in a way we don’t understand, they need kindness. Kindness gives everyone the space to be on their own journey in responding to this.

I hope we give it to them. Because kindness grows kindness. And when we are in a practice of extending kindness to ourselves in difficult seasons, then it’s our natural response to extend it to others.

As hard as this season is, that’s my hope-that this could be a time when we grow kindness like wildflowers. May this be a time when our ability to look each other in the eyes and simply see “beloved of God” before us grows exponentially. Kindness will help us get through it.

We Need to Stop Hitting Ourselves

Grace Will Take Us Where Hustling Can’t

It’s Going to Be Okay

Holding Grief and Gratitude Together

Post author:Gina B
Post published:April 2, 2020
Post category:Uncategorized

The other day I finally tackled our pile of clothes that needed ironing. Included in it was one of our daughter’s school uniform shirts. As I ironed it, I thought, “Why am I doing this? She might not even wear it again.” And I cried. Again.

Watching all our plans for the spring slip away has meant grief after grief. But the other night as we walked together, we found ourselves grateful. We realized that had this happened a month earlier, she would have missed the incredible end to her high school soccer career during which she led her team to the state tournament.

Can I be honest? It felt weird to be grateful. And that, in a nutshell, is my emotional state in this pandemic.

Holding Grief and Gratitude

One minute I’m sad because our daughter might not finish her senior year, and in the next breath I’m deeply grateful for what she did have.

Her 18th birthday is in two weeks, and I don’t know how to make it special for her under these circumstances. When I shared it with friends last night I was deeply blessed with a chorus of commitment to help make it the best it can be.

I love having our kids home with us, but it’s heartbreaking to tell them they can’t go see their friends.

I’m disappointed that the conference I’ve worked on for six months that should happen this week is postponed indefinitely, but I’m glad for the extra time.

While I’m thankful we have a safe place to shelter, I’m saddened as I read about the suffering of many.

Sometimes it feels like too much, this mix of joy and sorrow. It feels like emotional whiplash. I see other people responding to the mix in their own ways. Some are fixated on the losses and the suffering. Others insist on looking at the positive, celebrating the wins.

There’s a place for both.

In fact, I think that to weather this well, we have to learn how to hold grief and gratitude in the same breath.

Holding them simultaneously is hard. They feel contradictory. They’re not. Grief and gratitude go hand in hand. Holding them both is an attitude of faith. And the reality is this crisis carries both.

What We Grieve

There is much to grieve. We have missed birthday gatherings, graduation parties, sporting events, and church, some even canceled weddings and unattended funerals. There’s a loss of human contact, the simple pleasure of coffee with a friend, of impromptu gatherings with others. We miss play dates and community meetings and dining out.

Worse still, people are sick and dying. Many are struggling to make ends meet, are separated from their sick loved ones, or wondering how to care for their kids while keeping their jobs. Normal life is gone. It’s scary and exhausting and overwhelming at times. And sad. We’re so sad.

Why We’re Grateful

But there is also so much good to celebrate. Each night our family eats together on our lanai and then we walk around the neighborhood with the dog. It delights my soul. We bought a dinosaur costume and have paraded around the neighborhood in it. (We guess Amazon felt it was an essential purchase because it came quickly).

This has forced many of us to slow down and has given us unexpected time with loved ones. I’m amazed at the creativity and innovation of people who seek to comfort, help, or simply provide much-needed entertainment. Thank God for Zoom and FaceTime. Praise Him for art and music and how all this reminds us of what we have in common. We’re making connection happen in the worst of circumstances. Best of all, people are recovering. We’re figuring this virus out, and moving toward solutions.

It’s so tempting to just hold onto the latter and forget the former. As though enough good can erase the bad. And it’s easy to get lost in the grief and forget to see the gifts we’re given in the midst of the mess.

But grief and gratitude are meant to coexist, and the beauty of this horrible season is that we’re invited to enter both.

We don’t look for the positive to negate the negative. We hold onto the good alongside the hard because they go hand in hand. Every moment of grief reminds me of something we have loved and lost. Having it at all was a gift, and we are grateful. Losing it is heartbreaking, so we grieve. The more we do that, the more we are able to receive the unexpected gifts that are all around us.

When Grief Surprises You

Panning for Gold: What to Do When Gratitude Is Hard

Finding God in the Wilderness

What to Do When It’s Hard