The other day I finally tackled our pile of clothes that needed ironing. Included in it was one of our daughter’s school uniform shirts. As I ironed it, I thought, “Why am I doing this? She might not even wear it again.” And I cried. Again.
Watching all our plans for the spring slip away has meant grief after grief. But the other night as we walked together, we found ourselves grateful. We realized that had this happened a month earlier, she would have missed the incredible end to her high school soccer career during which she led her team to the state tournament.
Can I be honest? It felt weird to be grateful. And that, in a nutshell, is my emotional state in this pandemic.
Holding Grief and Gratitude
One minute I’m sad because our daughter might not finish her senior year, and in the next breath I’m deeply grateful for what she did have.
Her 18th birthday is in two weeks, and I don’t know how to make it special for her under these circumstances. When I shared it with friends last night I was deeply blessed with a chorus of commitment to help make it the best it can be.
I love having our kids home with us, but it’s heartbreaking to tell them they can’t go see their friends.
I’m disappointed that the conference I’ve worked on for six months that should happen this week is postponed indefinitely, but I’m glad for the extra time.
While I’m thankful we have a safe place to shelter, I’m saddened as I read about the suffering of many.
Sometimes it feels like too much, this mix of joy and sorrow. It feels like emotional whiplash. I see other people responding to the mix in their own ways. Some are fixated on the losses and the suffering. Others insist on looking at the positive, celebrating the wins.
There’s a place for both.
In fact, I think that to weather this well, we have to learn how to hold grief and gratitude in the same breath.
Holding them simultaneously is hard. They feel contradictory. They’re not. Grief and gratitude go hand in hand. Holding them both is an attitude of faith. And the reality is this crisis carries both.
What We Grieve
There is much to grieve. We have missed birthday gatherings, graduation parties, sporting events, and church, some even canceled weddings and unattended funerals. There’s a loss of human contact, the simple pleasure of coffee with a friend, of impromptu gatherings with others. We miss play dates and community meetings and dining out.
Worse still, people are sick and dying. Many are struggling to make ends meet, are separated from their sick loved ones, or wondering how to care for their kids while keeping their jobs. Normal life is gone. It’s scary and exhausting and overwhelming at times. And sad. We’re so sad.
Why We’re Grateful
But there is also so much good to celebrate. Each night our family eats together on our lanai and then we walk around the neighborhood with the dog. It delights my soul. We bought a dinosaur costume and have paraded around the neighborhood in it. (We guess Amazon felt it was an essential purchase because it came quickly).
This has forced many of us to slow down and has given us unexpected time with loved ones. I’m amazed at the creativity and innovation of people who seek to comfort, help, or simply provide much-needed entertainment. Thank God for Zoom and FaceTime. Praise Him for art and music and how all this reminds us of what we have in common. We’re making connection happen in the worst of circumstances. Best of all, people are recovering. We’re figuring this virus out, and moving toward solutions.
It’s so tempting to just hold onto the latter and forget the former. As though enough good can erase the bad. And it’s easy to get lost in the grief and forget to see the gifts we’re given in the midst of the mess.
But grief and gratitude are meant to coexist, and the beauty of this horrible season is that we’re invited to enter both.
We don’t look for the positive to negate the negative. We hold onto the good alongside the hard because they go hand in hand. Every moment of grief reminds me of something we have loved and lost. Having it at all was a gift, and we are grateful. Losing it is heartbreaking, so we grieve. The more we do that, the more we are able to receive the unexpected gifts that are all around us.
