identity

Faith Like a Child

Faith Like a Child

I’ll never forget asking our friend’s four-year-old son to make a wish before blowing out the candles on his birthday cake. Without hesitating, he took a deep breath and said, “I wish I could fly!”

Kids. They ask audaciously. They’re aware of their wants and needs and not afraid to express them. They’re helpless and weak and innocent and foolish and humble.

And to enter the kingdom we’re supposed to be like them.

Being the Adults

I’m an “oldest child” if there ever was one, though ironically, I’m not the oldest. Having an older sister who is mentally challenged thrust me into the role early and hard. It was part of God’s story for me.

But being that oldest, responsible, self-sufficient, trustworthy kid meant I took on a mentality of being the one no one had to worry about. I took care of myself. I was good at it. And I took the same attitude with God. I decided I’d be the one He didn’t have to worry about. I thought I was doing Him a favor. I wasn’t.

Being Like Children

We’re meant to relate to God as children. Helpless, weak, foolish, humble, needy children. Those are not the qualities I most like to exhibit in my life. In fact, they are the ones I am most inclined to avoid. Can I get an amen? Is it only me? Is this thing on?

Lately, God’s been calling me back to this place as a beloved child. He’s reminding me that it’s not only ok to own those places of weakness and mess and need, it’s necessary. It’s when I’m weak that He is strong. It’s in my needs that I find His sufficiency. It’s in my mess that I find the unconditional love I seek.

And from that position of humility, He calls us to ask. Be audacious. Be bold. Tell Him you want a pony. You want to fly. When I’m in that place where I know I don’t have it together, I am incompetent for the task at hand, I am reminded that it doesn’t matter because my Abba is more than enough. He delights to give good gifts to His children. Make a wish.

Me, age 4.

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Two Battles

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Two Battles – from Thailand, January 20, 2012

I’ve been trying to think of how to share what we’ve been doing this week here in Thailand (aside from trying not to get sunburned, reading Kindles by the pool, and searching in vain for Coke Zero). We’re at a conference called re-LEAF (Leadership Evaluation and Formation). It’s a time to revisit the process that God started when we all went through this conference the first time.

So how do I summarize what it is we talk about here? I thought this excerpt from The Magnificent Defeat, by Frederick Beuchner might do it. He’s talking about “The Two Battles” Forgive me if it’s a little long –  I cut a lot out!:

“The first is a war of conquest . . . All our lives we fight for a place in the sun . . . we feel that we must conquer a territory in time and space that will be ours. And that is true. We must.

“What is the armor to wear in such a war? Not, certainly, the whole armor of God here but, rather the whole armor of man, because this is a man’s war against other men. In such a war, perhaps, you wear something like this: Gird your loin with wisdom . . . put on the breastplate of self-confidence . . . let your feet be shod with the gospel of success . . . above all take the shield of security . . . and the helmet of attractiveness or personality or the sword of wit.

“The other war is not the war to conquer but the war to become whole and at peace inside our skins . . . it is the war to become a human being. This is the goal we are really after and that God is really after. This is the goal that power, success, and security are only forlorn substitutes for.

“(What we must be set free from is) the darkness in ourselves that we never fully see or fully understand or feel fully responsible for, although Heaven knows we are more than a little responsible. (Paul identifies it as,) ‘I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.’ . . . The evil in ourselves as individuals is greater than the evil that we choose, and that is great enough. This is the darkness which we need to be liberated from in order to become human.

“It is for this war, not the other one, that we need the whole armor of God . . . He is the truth about who man really is, about what it means to be really human, and about who God really is . . . In the great war of liberation, it is imperative to keep in touch always with the only one who can liberate.

“Even if we do not find our place in the sun, or not quite the place we want, or a place where the sun is not as bright as we always dreamed that it would be, this is not the end because this is not really the decisive war even though we spend so much of our lives assuming that it is. The decisive war is the other one – to become fully human, which means to become compassionate, honest, brave . . . (this) is the war which every man can win who wills to win because it is the war which God also wills us to win and will arm us to win if only we will accept His armor.”

So I guess we are talking about the battles in our ourselves, and where we are putting our energy – are we still putting it into fighting the first battle? Or are we learning more and more to trust in God and His armor to become who we were really meant to be in Him?

What about you? Which battle are you fighting?

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One Word 2014

Abide. It means to remain, to continue, to stay; to dwell, to reside. It’s a good word for me as I continue to try to sink roots into this new life in America. But it’s not America I need to abide in; it’s God.

This became clear to me about 9 months into the year. I am by nature a person who wants to feel valuable. I guess we all do, at our core. But the problem for me is that I can slip into thinking that my value comes from what I offer to the world. Being in a new place, people often don’t know what it is you can offer. That’s where I was for most of this year, feeling a bit invisible, like a kid on a playground waiting to be chosen for the team.

I know in my head that my value lies solely in my position as God’s child. My worth is established. But it’s easy for me to feed off the admiration and recognition of others, and to believe that it ups my status in the world. I had to keep reminding myself that a lack of acknowledgement from others changed nothing. I had to keep going back to what He says about me; I am valuable to Him and that is enough.

Then later in the year, things started to change. I had opportunities to do what I enjoy most – speaking, writing, connecting deeply with other women. So many days I would say to God, “Who am I, that I get to do this?” It fed my desire to feel valuable. But at the end of the day, I know it isn’t where I should put my hope, my sense of well-being. It is fleeting.

Hence, abide. Whether I am seen or unseen, known or unknown, I need to keep going back to Him to tell me who I am so that I stay grounded. I want to live from a solid place, not a changing one. To do that I have to abide in Him, my refuge.

What about you? Leave a comment and tell me what your word of the year is for 2014!

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Word of the Year Review

Well, it’s been almost a year that I’ve been focusing on this one word, Content. This should be the time when I tell you all how incredibly content I’ve become and then we all rejoice together.

Um, how about instead I just tell you what I’ve learned?

Naturally when you try to do something, you first get to discover how much you are not that something. I began the year by learning to recognize what makes me discontent. Mainly it stems from comparison – comparing my life to someone else’s, to where I thought I’d be or what I thought I’d have at this point, comparing it to some ideal I’ve constructed in my head that may or may not be realistic (95% of the time it is not). In the process, I realized that being discontent gets me nowhere.

I also learned that being content has a lot to do with being clear on what I am called to do, be, and have. God has created me for specific purposes. He has made me who I am, which includes my strengths and weaknesses and gifts and current situation. They are not the same as the next person’s; that would be boring and pointless. When I have clarity on who I am and what He wants for me, I can rest in living within those boundaries.

Being content has a lot to do with remembering that I am a child, with keeping the posture of a child who believes that her Father knows best. It may not always be what I think I want, but I will trust and obey because it is for my good.

I think I have been learning too that contentment is different than resignation. Resignation is giving up, losing hope, killing desire. Contentment keeps desire alive but believes that if it isn’t being satisfied right now, there’s a reason.

So am I content? I would say I am more content, and that I have learned that I have a greater capacity to choose contentment than I realized, especially when I am aware of the state of my heart. I’m thankful for all God put in my life this year to teach me these things.

What about you? Did you see growth in your one word? (this is not a rhetorical question – I really do want to know!)

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Adoption

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I recently had the joy of seeing a dear old friend  (and by old I mean we’ve known each other a long time. We are not old. There really should be a separate word for this in English) and her family realize their dream of bringing two new daughters home through adoption. They’ve waited so long and their hearts have gone through unspeakable ache to come to this point. It’s awesome to see.

People often talk about adoption in how it reflects God’s adoption of us, but I think this time for me it has become clearer than ever. By that I mean I am more acutely aware of what it means for me, for us, to be adopted into His family.

My friend has written on her blog about the reality for her girls – how as much as they are happy to be adopted, it will take time for them to fully trust this new love, this new family. They have left all they know and come to a strange country and culture. I want to say to them, “You got great parents! You are so loved!” What they may understand at a head level may take time to sink deep into their hearts. I hope it happens quickly.

Aren’t we the same? When we enter a relationship with God, we are brought into a new kingdom, foreign to us. It doesn’t operate the way the world did. We come because we trust, at some level, the kindness of this King. We have no idea how long and how hard He has longed for us, to shower His love on us. Over time, hopefully, we will come to understand the depth of that love and come to define ourselves as His children.

In the meantime, we may have times when we doubt this new love. We may want to look back to things that used to comfort us. We may look at other people, other things, wondering if they will love us more. They won’t. They can’t. I hope that, especially as we look ahead to celebrating the birth of Christ, we can fully trust in this amazing love we have in our Father. He went through everything to get us, and He will not let us go. He longs for us to rest completely in our identity as His beloved children.

We are so very loved.

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A Story of Two Houses

a story of two houses: trusting in ourselves or living in God's love for us
photo by Cosmic Timetraveler

This is a story of two houses.

Years ago, I was introduced to the idea that from the beginning of life, we build a house for ourselves. This house is constructed of the strategies we use to make life work apart from God. It’s how we find our place, protect ourselves from pain, feel loved and needed. Our houses all look different but in many ways they are the same. They serve us well. They help us. They make us feel secure.

Along the way, if we meet God, He will offer us another house. It’s a far superior house, as all God’s resources are superior. It has a better foundation, one grounded in His truth about us. It’s not affected by wind or rain. Really, it’s a better place to live.

So sometimes we live there. But often, we’re not even aware of it, or if we are, we don’t feel a need for it. The house we’ve built seems quite sufficient.

The problem is, though, it’s not really a house. It’s a prison.

When I learned about these houses, I began to see how well my prison held me. My well-constructed strategies of staying put together and performing well keep me from being free, from being vulnerable. They kept me from the very solid existence in truth that I thought they gave me.

God’s house looked appealing. The problem was, I didn’t know how to live there. It felt too open, exposed, unknown. I looked back at my own house and thought, “Well, I can’t live there, but I don’t know how to live here.” I felt emotionally homeless.

Over the years, I have slowly been learning what it looks like to live more consistently in the house God has for me. It’s a house where life and love come not from something I do or what the world provides, but from His deep and unchanging love for me, and who He says I am.

I hoped at some point that I would be able to burn the old house down so that it was no longer an option. This seems reasonable to me – why would God want me to live somewhere else? At times I have asked Him to put me in His house, to lock the doors and board up the windows, so that I can never leave. I know that every time I try to use my own strategies to make life work, I dishonor Him. I deny His love for me. I reject the life He offers. I put myself back in prison. I want Him to keep me from doing that.

But He won’t. The choice is there every day for me. Will I choose to rely on my own ways? Or will I leave behind what feels like life and trust in that which truly is? It means living by faith, having the courage to be open, to keep my heart awake, to not retreat to safety but hold tight to Him.

What about you? Where are you living today?

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Planning over Doing

There exists out there a wonderful tool for personal and career assessment called the Birkman. One of the things it measure is 11 components of how you function in a work environment. It tells you what your usual behavior is, what you need from others, and what kind of crazy you do when you don’t get it. (well, they just call it stress behavior).

I heart the Birkman because it finally explained me to me. See, with most people, their usual behavior and needs line up – like if they like to work alone, they also need others to leave them alone. They’re easy to read. Not me. I like to keep it interesting. On 7 of the 11 components I have what is called a “cross” where my usual behavior is on one side of the spectrum but my need is the opposite. Then sometimes my crazy stress behavior runs back to the other side. I like to keep people guessing!

Two of my “crosses” are in Activity and Thought. In Activity, I have a fairly high score, meaning I like to be busy. I operate best there. But my need is lower, which means I do actually need to take the time to think before I do things. My Thought score is low – I will make snap decisions most of the time. Unfortunately, my need is high, which means I later take the time to think about my decisions and often regret my rashness.

That’s all a long introduction to yesterday’s victory o’ the day. Because my usual behavior on these two components makes me run top speed without much thought, I know that I need to discipline myself to take time for reflection and planning, or I get worn out and lose focus. Resisting the temptation to do instead is difficult. But I did. I spent all of yesterday (aside from one hour of a massage which was glorious) planning and praying and thinking about my life. It was so good. Now I’m off again!

What are you calling victory today?

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The True Self

Years ago, a friend of mine and I had a conversation about being comfortable in our own skin. It was about more than just body image; it was the idea that we could be completely settled into who we are as people. We wanted to be completely ourselves, without apology, without wondering what others thought. We agreed that we weren’t quite there yet.

I can’t say I live there all the time now either, but I have certainly grown in it. I do know that how accepting I am of myself is in direct correlation with how much time I spend listening to the Father’s heart for me, and resting in who He says I am.

My victory for Saturday is that I was me. It was a lot like how I felt when I wrote this post last spring (except for the whole day, and not just a dental appointment). This was great because I was away for the weekend with several women I was just getting to know. It could have been difficult, not knowing how I fit or how to navigate these new relationships, but the quality of these women and the content they chose for our time together made it the easiest thing to just bring all of me, uncensored, to the table.

This feels like a greater victory during transition, because transition can throw your whole identity into question. I’ve been learning through this time that I have to go back more frequently than usual to who I am in Him. I’m reminded of this quote from one of my favorite authors, Henri Nouwen,  “As long as I keep running about asking: ‘Do you love me? Do you really love me?’ I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with ‘ifs’.” This temptation grows stronger in transition because the voices in the world have changed and it’s easy to forget that who we truly are hasn’t.

I’ll close with another quote from another favorite author, Brennan Manning, who said, “Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.” Every day is a victory when I remember this.

What are you calling victory today?

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Talking to Myself

Ok, here goes. I can tell already that this is going to be a good challenge for me, if for no other reason than that it makes me think about it all day. This detracts from me thinking about other, less important things, like where I could find some chocolate or whether or not my hair is behaving.

I also have the feeling though that the things I will be led to call victories will require a higher degree of transparency than I might typically want to display on a regular basis. Yikes!

Take today, for example. This morning, my husband and I were asked to share for a few minutes at the day of prayer about faith. I’d been thinking about what to say for a few days and felt confident of what I should say. In the few minutes before we were going to speak, though, I started getting nervous.

So I asked myself why I would be anxious, and the answer is: this was one of the first times I was speaking to these people. I wanted them to like me. No, if I’m honest it’s more than that – I wanted them to think well of me and be impacted by what I said. I wanted them to be impressed, to find me valuable.

When I realize things like that, I can get discouraged. I don’t like that I care so much about what others think, about the image I portray. But I’m learning to take those desires at face value and say, “I get why you feel that way, but Gina, it doesn’t matter what people think. What matters is that you say what God has put on your heart. He has already established your value. This changes nothing.”

So I had that little internal pep talk with myself, right there in the second row, took a deep breath, and relaxed. And right there, that’s what I’m calling victory.

What can you call victory today?

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An Open Letter to the World

Somewhere early on, I concluded that my heart was not important.

The world doesn’t often ask for our hearts. It asks for our cooperation, our performance, our silence, our strength, our appearance, our obedience, but not our hearts. So I set mine aside and gave what the world asked of me instead. We all do, in our own ways.

But we can’t live without our hearts, and God knows it.

So He started chipping away at the carefully constructed strategies I’d built around my heart to protect it; the ways I strive to impress, to perform, to be admirable. He talked to me about His love, His freedom, His grace. He told me that yes, He does want my heart. All of it. And not just the parts I find acceptable or pleasing or enjoyable. Not just the positive emotions, but the anger and doubts and fears and shame and grief and depravity. He has spent years stripping away the layers on the outside, while He fills me up from the inside, trying to show me that life is meant to be lived wholeheartedly, open heartedly, big heartedly. He’s been waking me up, bringing me to back to life.

I would love to say that trying to live with my whole heart is easy, but it’s isn’t. Often, it means living with an ache – of griefs recognized, hurts owned, desires unmet. It is living in the in between, a belly-exposed kind of vulnerability.

But it’s in this place that I am learning how important my heart is. When I own my whole heart, there is freedom, authenticity, a greater capacity to love and be loved. And it’s not only for me, but for others as well. When I own what is in my heart and share it, it draws people. It gives permission to others to bring their hearts too. As my heart grows, I cannot help but want to help others find the depths of theirs. My heart breaks when I see others numb, ignore, kill, and shame their own hearts. It is not how we were meant to live.

So my hope, my mission in life, is to be an authentic voice that calls others to wholeheartedly live our their true selves in Christ. We cannot be all that we are called to be in Christ if we leave our hearts behind. By God’s grace, I hope to continue on this journey of living with my whole heart, and helping others to do the same.

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