“If thou could’st empty all thyself of self
like to a shell dishabited
then might he find thee on the ocean shelf
and say, ‘This is no dead’
and fill thee with Himself instead.
But thou art all replete with very thou
and hast such shrewd activity
that when He comes, He says, ‘This is
enow unto itself, ’twere better let it be.
It is so small and full, there is no room
for Me.'”
-Sir Thomas Browne
This poem has been on my mind lately, as busyness and a general “I’ve got this” feeling have kept me from spending a lot of time with God. I’m thankful for a week where things have gone well, but I’ve noticed how easy it is in those times to let self fill in the spaces in my heart, rather than to leave that space for Him to speak.
So my prayer is that God would help me to “empty all myself of self” so He can fill me instead.
This Friday will mark one year of us being in Florida. One year since that caravan of 2 mini-vans, 9 people, three dogs and a trailer made their way cross-country to this far corner of Orlando. It’s been a good year. So good in fact that I thought I would take this opportunity to give thanks for the many blessings we’ve had, so here goes:
my Friday group – ladies, thank you for being one of the first places here where I could be myself and feel truly loved
our kids’ school – honestly, I can’t imagine a better situation
MK2MK – this is the group where Ethan has found those kids who say, “You too? I thought it was just me” and it has breathed life into him
Old friends – some of our favorite people already lived here in Orlando and I don’t know what I would have done without them (Katie and Jenny – I’m looking at you!)
Our neighborhood – who knew we could find a place here that makes us feel like we continually live at a cabin in northern Minnesota?
soccer – Megan’s passion finally realized, and along with it fun new relationships for all of us
family connections – I am still not completely used to the idea that I can simply pick up the phone and call family members without considering the time zone, but when I do remember I love that it’s true. Even better, visits are much easier too!
libraries – seriously, is there anything greater for a book lover than libraries that deliver to your home?
the work we do – it is humbling to be used by God to do what we love in a way that blesses others
sunsets and sunrises – I gotta say I think Orlando has the corner on these. Un. Real.
our continued Asian connections – people we work with who also lived there, friends visiting from across the ocean, our kids taking up Chinese again
the struggles – the times of disappointment, frustration, anxiety, and grief have brought us together as a family and pushed us closer to the One who loves us
God – I always want to be able to say, year after year, “I know Him better now. I am closer to Him. I trust Him more.” This is definitely true for me in 2013.
Go to the well, or in this case, go to my friend Judy Douglass’s website to read my guest post entitled Go to the Well. I’ve posted on Judy’s blog before and I hope if you’ve read them you have stuck around there to read more of her writing. If not, do it this time! 🙂
Enter Scout. It’s always been our dream that our dog could run freely in the yard without an unsightly fence to keep her in. We installed an invisible fence and trained her to stay within the boundaries.
The problem is, she’s a smart pup. She knows when she’s not wearing that big ugly collar. Typically she’s still content to stay in the yard, but when she sees deer, all bets are off. She’ll come back later muddy, tired, and happy.
Enter the “deervangelist,” one of our neighbors. He loves the deer seemingly more than anything. One of his three lots is devoted to their comfort and feeding. When we first arrived in the neighborhood, he came over and gave us an earful about how we need to do our part to protect the deer. He even showed us a photo album of them. In some pictures they were eating food out of his mouth. Can I get a collective “ew”?
So my stage is set. Last week, Scout bolted and found her way to the deervangelist’s empty lot where the deer had retreated for safety. Within a few minutes, I got another visit from my neighbor telling me that I need to do a better job of keeping my dog in our yard, as well as another offer to see the pictures. I declined.
The next day, she was off again. This time, while I waited for another visit, it was my neighbor to the north (the one I have only ever heard yelling) who called for me to get my #$%& dog out of his yard. Thankfully she came back on her own.
And that was when my heart sank a little into shame. Why? It took me awhile to understand it myself, but it all goes back to what drives me. If you read my last post about houses, you know that I like success. I like performing well. The dog/deer combination made it challenging for me to do that. In fact, they were (in my mind) making me look like a failure. I had been called out twice in two days as someone incompetent in restraining her pet.
The upside of this is the fact that God helped me see it. Oftentimes we sink into shame and we don’t recognize it or acknowledge it. In my experience, when that happens, it can make me more likely to interpret the rest of my day through the same lens. Instead, I was able to do a little self-talk  about the whole situation that helped me let it go. I’m thankful that I’ve been growing in seeing what drives my heart and how to respond with grace.
A dog and some deer. You never know what God will use.
In college, our dorm phone number was 836-2223. Unfortunately to drunk frat boys at 2 am, this translated to 836-BABE. I was the one who was typically awakened by these calls. I always gave them to my roommate. She did not appreciate it.
We had a few wrong numbers in China. My favorite was this woman, who insisted that her sister must live at my house because that was the number she had written down.
This week, it’s “call for someone else” week at the Butz house. I’ve had at least 6 people call in the last three days looking for a variety of people. Some of them have called more than once. There’s a person in Wisconsin who seems intent on reaching me on my cell, but when I call back it says Kohls. Why would Kohls be calling me? One man even resorted to swearing at us on our answering machine. Well, swearing at his friend, “Why won’t you pick up? I know you’re there.” Really? Do you know who is here? Because the message on the machine should have clued you in.
Sorry, it’s just the four of us here. I hope you find who you’re looking for. Please stop calling.
* Also, I realized that my comments setting was like Fort Knox, so if you have tried to comment in the past and found it too complicated, I think I’ve remedied that. Comment away!
Years ago, I was introduced to the idea that from the beginning of life, we build a house for ourselves. This house is constructed of the strategies we use to make life work apart from God. It’s how we find our place, protect ourselves from pain, feel loved and needed. Our houses all look different but in many ways they are the same. They serve us well. They help us. They make us feel secure.
Along the way, if we meet God, He will offer us another house. It’s a far superior house, as all God’s resources are superior. It has a better foundation, one grounded in His truth about us. It’s not affected by wind or rain. Really, it’s a better place to live.
So sometimes we live there. But often, we’re not even aware of it, or if we are, we don’t feel a need for it. The house we’ve built seems quite sufficient.
The problem is, though, it’s not really a house. It’s a prison.
When I learned about these houses, I began to see how well my prison held me. My well-constructed strategies of staying put together and performing well keep me from being free, from being vulnerable. They kept me from the very solid existence in truth that I thought they gave me.
God’s house looked appealing. The problem was, I didn’t know how to live there. It felt too open, exposed, unknown. I looked back at my own house and thought, “Well, I can’t live there, but I don’t know how to live here.” I felt emotionally homeless.
Over the years, I have slowly been learning what it looks like to live more consistently in the house God has for me. It’s a house where life and love come not from something I do or what the world provides, but from His deep and unchanging love for me, and who He says I am.
I hoped at some point that I would be able to burn the old house down so that it was no longer an option. This seems reasonable to me – why would God want me to live somewhere else? At times I have asked Him to put me in His house, to lock the doors and board up the windows, so that I can never leave. I know that every time I try to use my own strategies to make life work, I dishonor Him. I deny His love for me. I reject the life He offers. I put myself back in prison. I want Him to keep me from doing that.
But He won’t. The choice is there every day for me. Will I choose to rely on my own ways? Or will I leave behind what feels like life and trust in that which truly is? It means living by faith, having the courage to be open, to keep my heart awake, to not retreat to safety but hold tight to Him.
Ah, sweet victory – I’m done! I could stop here and say that my victory today is crossing the finish line, completing the challenge, but I feel it would be a good time to stop and reflect on what I’m taking with me from this month.
Sometimes in life there are clear victories, victories that even the world has to stop and commend as well done. Epic victories, if you will.
Other days, they’re smaller. Maybe like finding new awesome pants, or making a Halloween costume in 5 minutes (yep, did that today) or avoiding a $164 ticket.
But most days you have to look harder. You have to look past what the world values as worth celebrating, and recognize where the victory really is. It feels like for me it’s usually in the small choices I make – grace, joy, peace, patience, where they wouldn’t have been otherwise.
But for the days when it seems no victory is in sight, there is always one. The awesome truth I’m claiming as victory today is this: we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. No matter what happens today, I’m coming out ahead in the end because I have Him on my side. That’s a victory no one can take away.
“But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Corinthians 15:57
