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When You Love Someone With Special Needs

When You Love Someone with Special Needs
me and my sister, circa 1978

One of the things that brings me the greatest joy is to hear my children talking to my sister. When they talk with her, they sweetly ask questions and patiently listen to her stories. They treat her with compassion. They make her feel loved. It’s like a balm to my soul.

Why? Because my sister is mentally challenged.

What it’s like to love someone who is challenged

Growing up with an older sister who is mentally challenged, I had an acute radar for how other people responded to her. I vetted every friend who came over, watching to see if they would treat her normally. I eyed strangers in public, ready to give them the stink eye if they so much as smirked at her. (You don’t want to be on the receiving end of my stink eye).

While my parents encouraged her as much as possible to live an independent life, she will always need others’ help and support. She is a perpetual child in an adult body; trusting, simple, open. She needs others to stand with her, to listen to her, to guide her, to do for her what she cannot do for herself.

As adults, I’m not as worried about her as I was as a child, but I still want to shelter her. During the 2012 election, we needed to vote early, so I picked her up on Halloween. She exited her house wearing a pink princess costume with a silver crown.

I paused for a minute and then thought, “Ok, let’s go with it.”

Of course we got stares and questioning looks at the voting booths. Part of me felt the need to justify why a 42-year-old woman was wearing a princess costume. Another part of me wanted everyone to act like it was the most normal thing in the world.

Actually, I wanted more than that. I wanted people to feel the way I felt about her – that they would think that it was awesome that she was wearing exactly what made her happy on a holiday.

How I want people to see her

I wanted them to see her as the gift she is; a precious, God-given gift.

My sister loves purely and wholeheartedly. She delights in little things, in being part of everything. Trust and acceptance come easily to her. She gives me opportunities to grow in being compassionate, patient, gentle, loving, protective of the weak, accepting of the different.

And that’s why it’s such a blessing when others step in and love her alongside me. It says, “I see that she is precious too. I will stand with you in loving her.” It says we are not alone, that others will be the protectors, the helpers, the givers. They will recognize the value in her.

So if you know someone who is challenged in some way, know that taking the time to love them isn’t just a gift to them. It’s a gift to those who love them as well. Thank you.

Related:

Promises to My Children

What Parents Really Need to Hear

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Hopes for My Daughter On Turning 13

Hopes for My Daughter On Turning 13

Ok, you finally made it. 13. I have to confess, it’s felt like you’re a teenager for awhile now. You have your emotional ups and downs, and you’re mature beyond your years. That’s my polite way of saying sometimes, girl, you’re a handful. But, I am quick to remind myself that you are far from the terror I was at 13. I wish that on no one.

But whatever handful you are, it’s what you are supposed to be. This is a tough time, and I’m going to tell you that it’s going to get rockier before it gets better. Being a teenager is turbulent. I remember.

I hope it goes well for you. I hope so much. I hope that you navigate these years with confidence, not in yourself, but in who God has made you to be. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. I know you doubt that sometimes, when you look at the widow’s peak you wish I hadn’t given you, or your drive for perfection that frustrates you. But trust me – it’s ALL good. I hope you never let someone else’s words or looks cause you to doubt that truth.

I hope, as you grow and mature, you never lose your childlikeness. It’s different than being childish. Childlike means you stay open, humble, willing to learn, ok with the fact that you’re not there yet, willing to let others help you in your weak places. Jesus
said the kingdom belongs to those people.

I hope, as you grow, that you are gentle with yourself. You’re going to make mistakes. You won’t know what you’re doing. You will have ups and downs and disappointments and regrets, but it’s all part of the process. This is how we learn, so I hope you can smile at the fumbles and say, “Now I know!” and move on with compassion and grace.

I hope you value yourself in relationships. I hope you continue to choose to spend time with people who build you up, who love you as you are, and with whom you can stand your ground. I hope you always believe that you are worth pursuing. I hope you never think you have to change to make yourself likable or attractive to anyone.

I hope you know how normal all this is. I know some days you’ll feel like you could conquer the world, and other days you’ll be shaking in your boots. Sometimes you’ll think I’m the smartest, best mom ever, and other days you’ll think I’m a idiot. Your
emotions will run wild at times and cause you to think and do things that surprise you. I hope you take it all in stride. (I hope I do too!)

I hope you keep following your dreams. They are good dreams. I hope they become clearer and more tangible, but at the same time, I hope they never take the place of God in your heart. I hope you can hold them open to Him and trust that He will do with them what is best for you.

I hope you cling to Jesus. If there is anything I hope for you, it is this. I hope that as you grow, you see more and more how desperately you need Him, and how He is more than sufficient for everything you need. I hope you love Him with everything you have. I hope you taste and see that He is so very good. I hope this relationship guides you and brings you joy.

I hope in Him for you, kiddo. He has great plans for you. Welcome to 13.

Related:

Promises to My Children

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What Parents Really Need to Hear

What Parents Really Need to Hear
Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash

 

Erik and I were in a baffling parenting moment recently.

We struggle to find activities that all four family members enjoy together. It’s not surprising to us – for the 13 years we lived overseas, we lived in such a tight community with an abundance of like-minded people that we were almost never alone as a family. Vacations, meals, you name it – we had company. Now we’re in the states looking at each other thinking, “So now what do we do?” It’s hard to know how to fill the space sometimes.

We were pondering this issue as we drove to have dinner with friends one night. We decided to take advantage of the wisdom of other couples and ask them what they thought we should do about this.

They listened. They asked good questions. They gave a few suggestions. But what they seemed to realize, and we quickly did too, is that what we needed wasn’t a solution. We needed to hear two things: “You are not alone in your struggle,” and “you are doing a good job.”

Google “parenting advice” and you’ll get “about 106,000,000” hits. Hope you have a lot of time to read every opinion under the sun. Do this. Don’t do that. You can read opinions that vary so widely it will make your head spin. We all want to do it well.

Some of us like to think we’ve found the answers, and can be dogmatic or defensive about them, depending on the day. Or we hide in the shadows, afraid to ask our questions, thinking we’re the only ones who just can’t seem to figure this parenting gig out. We forget that our situations and our children and the way we are individually wired means that there are so few methods that universally apply.

But what we can say to one another is this: You are not alone. You are doing a good job. God is on your side. He will help you. Keep trusting Him.

Let’s say that to each other, and I think we’ll all find it’s true.

Related posts:

Promises to My Children

It’s Worth It

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Promises to My Children

Promises to My Children

Kids, you have a lot of life ahead of you. You have big dreams and hopes for how that all will go. There are so many things I want to promise you about that life.

I wish I could promise you, sweet girl, that you will become a world-famous women’s soccer player. Or that you, brilliant son, will someday live on that space station (though you know I want you to stay on this planet).

I wish this world would always love you, no harm will ever come to you, you will have an easy path, life will be fair, and you will be happy and carefree.

I can’t promise any of that.

Here’s what I can promise you:

I promise you will always be loved.

I love you so much sometimes I can’t stand it. It spills out all over you in hugs and kisses you don’t necessarily want. Other times it’s harder because our sin gets in the way, but I promise I will always make it my aim to love you well.

And when I fail, which I will, remember that you are unconditionally loved by the One who made you. His is the one opinion that will never change. He’s wild about you. Let that be your solid place, even more than me.

I promise I will love your dad.

He’s a good man, your dad is. I’m blessed. But neither of us is perfect and marriage is hard work. I promise I will love him and fight for what we have. We will show you that it’s all worth it to have someone who is with you for the long haul. We want that for you.

I promise God will always be with you.

If I could, I would always be with you (probably even when you’d rather I wasn’t). I will always try, but there will be times that I cannot be there, or should not be there for your own growth. God has no such restrictions. He will always be there with all you need.

I promise to get all up in your business.

Hey, I’m your mom. So yes, I’ll ask about who you hang out with and what you talk about. I’ll put restrictions on what you can watch and play. When you’re emailing and browsing online, I’ll be looking over your shoulder. I’ll stick my nose in your room when you aren’t expecting me. I’ll make you eat your vegetables and do your chores. Get used to it. It’s because of #1.

I promise to let you go your own way.

I know that might seem contrary to #4. It’s hard for me to write, but I know you need to be independent from us. I have ideas about who I’d like you to be, but those don’t matter. What matters is that you be you. I know there will be many times when I need to just let you go, maybe even let you fail miserably. I will. Or at least I promise I will try.

I promise to always be FOR you.

At every competition, every job, every relationship that means something to you, everything you attempt, I will be your cheerleader. I’ll be the last one standing even if everyone else has stopped watching. Even when you don’t believe in yourself, I will believe in you. I am your biggest fan.

I promise to be with you in the fight.

You know I can’t keep you from all the hard, painful, unfair experiences of life. That’s true. But I promise that whatever you are going through, I will be all in. I will weep with you, be angry with you, pray with you and fight the good fight with you. We will walk the hard roads together.

I promise to keep trusting God for you.

I know you think I’m a good mom. Thanks for that. But the fact is, I’m not enough, and I need to own that. Where I am powerless, I need to trust in God to grow you in ways I just can’t. I will keep prying open my sticky fingers to trust you back to Him, believing that He is doing good work in you.

I promise I will make mistakes.

You know I can’t be a perfect mom, but that’s not what you need anyway. You need a mom who is human and makes mistakes, but gives herself grace and picks herself up to move on. And when I mess up, I will apologize. I can model that for you. Thanks for always being gracious when I do.

I promise to point you to Jesus.

At the end of the day, He can give you so much more than I can. I hope you always believe that. I’m never going to stop telling you and showing you, because when you find a well in the desert, you take others there. He’s living water, your source of life. He’s the best I can offer you. I promise.

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What Being a Soccer Mom Teaches Me About Parenting

It’s Worth It 

Parenting is Hard 

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A Year of Disney

A Year of Disney

Yesterday, our Disney annual passes ran out. No more Disney for us.

The first time we went, last September, I took the kids to Magic Kingdom, just the three of us. I was the “best mom ever” for taking them. It looked like we were going to have a year long vacation full of happy, loving, family times.

But did you know that kids can get to a point where they don’t want to go to Disney anymore? It’s true. They can come to the place where the suggestion, “Let’s go tomorrow” is met with, “Again?!?” Yep. Possible.

But then the last two weeks, as we squeaked in a few more days, and did the “we haven’t done . . .” moments, suddenly we heard, “We should have gone on that ride . . . We should have done . . .” I tried to remind them of the times we had to drag them. They didn’t really remember. It almost made us want to renew our passes. Almost.

We learned a few things. Always use fast passes. Tomorrowland’s really empty right away in the morning. Bring your own food. Mission: Space, the Tower of Terror, and the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party are not for those with weak stomachs. Sit in the back on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. And most importantly, by late afternoon, the Magic Kingdom is no longer the happiest place on earth, judging by any family who has brought a child under 5.

But happy, loving, family times? They happened. We laughed. We schemed how to make the most of our time. We park hopped. We rode rides, got off and got right back on again. We got caught in the rain and thought it was awesome. And last night as Megan skipped down the fastpass lane at Soarin’ with her beautiful red hair flying I thought, “I would do this all again.”

I’m so thankful for our year of Disney.

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Parenting Is Worth It

It’s all worth it.

That’s the feeling I have while closing down this day. I spent the evening with a group of wives and moms who are about to go overseas to work. We talked about what it’s like to be moms in another culture, the ups and downs, the challenges, the joys.

I walked in the house after the kids should have been asleep (no fault of my husband’s – they’re getting older and summer hours are different). I found one waiting just to lay some of his emotions at my feet, needing to hear a good word to calm his anxious heart. I found the other so excited I thought something spectacular must have happened in my absence. Turns out she just thinks my return is worth that kind of reaction.

What a gift.

Those are the kind of moments that make it all worth it, no matter where you raise your kids. We talked a lot tonight about how hard being a mom can be, and that is so true. But to get to be that person for your kids – the one who calms fears and brings joy and makes the world right enough to sleep . . .

It’s all worth it.

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Adoption

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I recently had the joy of seeing a dear old friend  (and by old I mean we’ve known each other a long time. We are not old. There really should be a separate word for this in English) and her family realize their dream of bringing two new daughters home through adoption. They’ve waited so long and their hearts have gone through unspeakable ache to come to this point. It’s awesome to see.

People often talk about adoption in how it reflects God’s adoption of us, but I think this time for me it has become clearer than ever. By that I mean I am more acutely aware of what it means for me, for us, to be adopted into His family.

My friend has written on her blog about the reality for her girls – how as much as they are happy to be adopted, it will take time for them to fully trust this new love, this new family. They have left all they know and come to a strange country and culture. I want to say to them, “You got great parents! You are so loved!” What they may understand at a head level may take time to sink deep into their hearts. I hope it happens quickly.

Aren’t we the same? When we enter a relationship with God, we are brought into a new kingdom, foreign to us. It doesn’t operate the way the world did. We come because we trust, at some level, the kindness of this King. We have no idea how long and how hard He has longed for us, to shower His love on us. Over time, hopefully, we will come to understand the depth of that love and come to define ourselves as His children.

In the meantime, we may have times when we doubt this new love. We may want to look back to things that used to comfort us. We may look at other people, other things, wondering if they will love us more. They won’t. They can’t. I hope that, especially as we look ahead to celebrating the birth of Christ, we can fully trust in this amazing love we have in our Father. He went through everything to get us, and He will not let us go. He longs for us to rest completely in our identity as His beloved children.

We are so very loved.

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Playing Together

Our kids are in that stage between toys and whatever comes next to fill their free time – jobs? Friends? I don’t know. All I know is that Candyland doesn’t entertain them anymore (and I think we’re all a little thankful for that).

It’s hard to know how to occupy our free time well with them when it seems most activities one of us suggests have a 2 or 3 out of 4 approval rate. I have dreams of us being a family that always love spending time together doing wildly creative things, but finding things that all of us consistently want to do feels like trying to find four leaf clovers or the holy grail.

Sometimes, though, it happens. Megan’s been wanting to play a certain game on the trampoline with the whole family for over a week now. She usually suggests doing it immediately after dinner, which causes the adults in the family to preemptively vomit a little just thinking about it. Tonight we gave ourselves a little time to digest and then hopped up there for the game Megan calls “dead man.” It’s basically Marco Polo on the trampoline.

Unfortunately, our son decided he wasn’t into it, so our magical foursome activity looked doomed. A few minutes later, he concluded he was bored enough to join us, and we proceeded to play. In the middle of jumping and laughing and screaming and catching each other, I thought, “This is a victory moment.” It was a sweet time, and I’m thankful for it.

What are you calling victory today?

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Making Memories

Living overseas for over a decade means we’ve missed out on many things, particularly autumn activities, because in all that time we never came back during the fall. Now, we had a great community of expat friends which means that we certainly tried to replicate holidays and traditions we’d had in America, but it was never quite the same.

Now that we’re back, we’re trying to figure out which activities we want to do, and how to do them. One of those is jack o’ lanterns. Pumpkins weren’t very big overseas (or if they were, they were expensive) and when you live in an apartment with people who don’t celebrate Halloween, putting a creepily carved lit pumpkin outside your door is sure to disturb the neighbors.

The kids were thrilled the other day to see huge pumpkins at the store for $4 each (I don’t know if this is cheap. It seemed ridiculously cheap to us). Yesterday, despite being tired from a weekend away, I decided it would be a great time to do this with the kids.

I knew, as every parent knows, that I would probably end up doing the majority of the work. Surprisingly, the kids wanted to clean out the insides of their pumpkins themselves, for the most part. Megan named hers Robert Patrick McKinn, nickname Bobrick McKinn, which is decidedly awesome. We decided to write our family name in Mandarin on them, so that was definitely my job with the knife. We were told later that they won’t last long, which is disappointing, but honestly – we’d happily do it again. We’re making up for lost time!

So that’s my victory for Sunday – making memories with the kids. And not only memories, but ones that build into their connection back to the U.S. I’m almost hoping we’ll have to do more (although I’m guessing they won’t be as keen the second time around).

What are you calling victory today?

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Loving Me Through Her

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One of the things that brings me the greatest joy is to hear my children talking to my sister. When they talk with her, they sweetly ask questions and patiently listen to her stories. They treat her with compassion. They make her feel loved. It’s like a balm to my soul.

Why? Because my sister is mentally impaired. Growing up with an older sister who is impaired, I had an acute radar for how other people responded to her. I vetted every friend who came over, watching to see if they would treat her normally. I eyed strangers in public, ready to give them the stink eye if they so much as smirked at her. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of my stink eye.

While my parents have encouraged her as much as possible to live an independent life, she will always needs others’ help and support. She is a perpetual child in an adult body; trusting, simple, open. She needs others to stand with her, to listen to her, to guide her, to do for her what she cannot do for herself.

As adults, I’m not as worried about her as I was as a child, but I still find myself wanting to shelter her. Last October, we needed to vote early, so I picked her up on Halloween. She came out of her house wearing a pink princess costume with a silver crown. I paused for a minute and then thought, “Ok, let’s go with it.” Of course we got stares and questioning looks at the voting booths. Part of me felt the need to justify why a 42 year old woman was wearing a princess costume, but another part of me wanted everyone to just act like it was the most normal thing in the world. Actually, I wanted more than that. I wanted people to feel the way I felt about her – that they would think that it was awesome that she was wearing exactly what made her happy on a holiday.

I wanted them to see her as the gift she is; a precious, God-given gift. My sister loves purely and wholeheartedly. She delights in little things. She loves to be part of everything. She trusts. She accepts. She gives me opportunities to grow in being compassionate, patient, gentle, loving, protective of the weak, accepting of the different.

And that’s why it’s such a blessing when others step in and love her alongside me. It says, “I see that she is precious too. I will stand with you in loving her.” It says we are not alone, that others will be the protectors, the helpers, the givers. They will recognize the value in her.

So if you know someone who is impaired in some way, know that taking the time to love them isn’t just a gift to them. It’s a gift to those who love them as well. Thank you.

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